What My Children Have Taught Me (part 4) Eliza

Short Story: Trust is something that has to be mutually earned.

Long Story:

Eliza is a beautiful and energetic little angel with 47 pieces. She came to us in a somewhat similar as all our our adoptions to date. I got an email from our agency (they new we were looking to expand again), but instead of an infant and and agency adoption with them. I could call CPS for information and see if we could put "family" hat in the ring for Eliza.

This was a really scary though for me, but those eyes....they just lead me to call, and call and leave messages and call again. I was told to be persistent ...I was so persistent that I am sure it was actually annoying....but I knew this little princess was supposed to be part of our family. SO I had to keep it up! We were picked, and then the waiting just took longer.

All I can say is this adoption has been our hardest to date. When one thinks about how many children are in foster care, you would think it might be a little easier to adopt them. This was the first time I realized how much "trust" I put in a system- our government to do the right thing for Eliza and for us. Basically our emotional roller coaster started the day we were matched. Everything took longer than anyone anticipated and longer than we all felt it should have.

Eric & I flew to Houston to visit her. She still couldn't come home yet. The minute we met Eliza (almost 3 months after being matched and 5 months after seeing those beautiful and expressive eyes in my morning email) was a wonderful moment. All of our other three adopted children were places as infants between 3-9 weeks of age, We had never adopted an older child.

She immediately feel into Eric's arms and gave him a close snuggle and a squeeze. I was lucky enough to get one look and then back to making over her new daddy. He got what we now term a "butt wiggle". I really can't describe it any other terms other than a cross between a wonderful full body hug/squeeze and a all over giggle and then she buries her head in your chest and kisses you! After about two hours with her and the SW Eric and I went back to the hotel. I was sort of sad...all the paperwork...all the phone calls...all the waiting...she didn't even like me at all.

I realized that all these months I had fallen in love with a little girl that "didn't really exist" She was a picture and not the little girl in front of me. I thought she would love me at 2 1/2 years just like my other children did. BOY WAY I WRONG. Eliza had her own plans and her own mind and her own way of doing things.

Second visit wasn't much better for her and me. Eliza bit me so hard that I cried...I don't even think my horse ever bit me that hard!) But she loved and smiled and twisted my husband around every one of her fingers. She was so immediately bonding with him that I had to "trust" that she was supposed to be with us, I had to "trust" Eric when he said he was confident Eliza was meant for our family and he was sure she liked me...still no but wiggle or even a big hug just a bunch of glances at me which I realize now were her way of sizing me up!

Her foster mom was wonderful, she was awesome with all the children in her care, great with us and I could not have asked for better. That said that after all the visits that weekend It was still so hard for Eric and I to return her foster family and return to our home without her. Eliza really liked her and loved being in her house, but I had tears in my eyes when we left cause again I had to "trust" that Eliza would be OK and safe till she came to be with us forever.

It wasn't supposed to be to long....but you know how best laid plans go. Twenty days turned into another sixty seven! To get Eliza home I had to "trust" so many people to do there jobs and push that paperwork along that I actually thought I was going to get an ulcer waiting.

You would think that a mother of four children with down syndrome could be patient....but NO I really am not a patient person! I wanted her home before the had even turned two. I just kept wanting her to be with us! I had to wait and I had to "trust" people to do their jobs.

It did finally happen, all the paperwork was processed and plane tickets were purchased, I cleaned our house, scrubbed the carpets and decorated her room. The day came that she was supposed to arrive, almost 7 1/2 months after deciding we should send in our file, and Eliza and her SW get to the airport in Texas and someone got her ticket for the wrong way (not from Texas to Missouri but the opposite direction!). Here it was again...we had to "trust" that someone on the other end of phone in airport could fix this problem on a long holiday weekend. (they did ....or I would have driven to Houston to get her myself)

Eliza was here. All of her paperwork, her beautiful little suitcase, new clothes and a few special things...but she was here with her family! She seemed to instantly bond with her new siblings... it was like she always was supposed to be with them. I had to "trust" that we received all the right paperwork, that all the legal work really was done correctly, that her medical files would one day show up, that they had given me all the information we needed. It seems funny to say this but the State of Texas had to "trust"me and my husband enough to raise this beautiful little girl (by the way taxpayers of Texas- thanks for the most precious gift of Eliza!!!!!)

For almost six weeks she smiled and touched and played and "honked" at them...but she still didn't really seem to like me...she was always looking mad at me, or perplexed or frustrated. I did't get the hugs that the rest got and I still hadn't gotten a butt wiggle! I started all of her EI paperwork, took her to the doctors, answered questions at evaluations. And I waited...everyday she just tolerated me...she seemed to love my husband...but tolerated me. What did I need to do to gain her "trust".

It seemed to dawn on Eliza and I at the same moment...in Late January she had her tonsils & adenoids removed and had to stay overnight at the hospital. (Miranda was also at the hospital overnight at the same time). That 28 hour period was the first time that Eliza wanted me....not her dad...or grandma....ME! As I look back I realize what I did wrong. Nothing!!! accept not realizing we both had to learn to trust each other.

I made her change everything in such a short time period. Where she lived (it was cold here in MO and new allergies, and new environment); I took away her "foster family"; I took away her bottle and made her drink from a sippy cup; I made her eat solid foods and feed herself with a fork or spoon; I made her try to sign (by the way we still fight this battle); I made her brush her teeth & take a bath (found out she had a sensory thing with water after they placed her). I held her head as she got her eyes dilated and later her ear wax cleaned out and I made her play outside!

I wanted her to love and "trust" me and I was the "Evil Mom" in her book who changed and made everything different from before. Why would she have thought that I was any different from all the places she had been before? Heck she isn't even that old and is developmentally disabled, but she knew how to play the "foster game" how to make people think you care about them and get them to do what you want! I don't think she really "trusted" anyone at that point.

In the hospital in pain and Mommy there to help and hold her, I think she realized for the first time I wasn't leaving her. I feed her and hugged her and rocked her. We played and I changed diaper after diaper (anesthia gives her diarrhea something awful). Our relationship changed. She finally let me cuddle her and she hugged me. We fell asleep for the first time together in the hospital chair.

But from the instant we got stuck when that hospital chair split and I couldn't get up and we were stuck! Maybe when she saw the panic in my eyes and my need to pee (being 8 1/2 months pregnant and trapped in this &*^% (fill in the explative) pull out chair for what seemed like forever and really looking at each other eyes...panic can really open them up and Eliza has the most expressive and wonderful deep chocolate brown eyes!

We realized that we needed to "trust" each other!!!!

I guess "trust"ing Eric, Grandma, and all the children was easy! They were not making her do things she didn't want to, she didn't really need to make them "happy" to get her needs met so whatever she could give them was enough! I was a challenge and she seemed to resent everything I tried to make her do.

It actually was so funny...before that day she could have cared less if I was in a room with her and since then I am now her favorite person to see, to full body hug and jump on. When she smiles at me now it is with her whole body! She "trusts" me now like none of my other children do. Because I had to earn it in different way for a different reason .

What My Children Have Taught Me (Part 2) Melea

SHORT STORY: Learning determination in impossible, however it is a state of mind and a lifestyle which can easily be confused with stubbornness or obstinance.

LONG STORY:

Everyday that I have been privileged to be Melea's mom has been full of surprises for me! I have seen, experienced and been a part of so many adventures that it is amazing. But the thing that Melea has most taught me about life is . DETERMINATION!!! and even though most people think this is a great quality in an employee it may not always be wonderful in a little girl!

From the day we learned about Melea from our favorite adoption agency! I knew that she was one determined little girl! She entered the world with that extra chromosome to complete surprise to all involved! Here she was with all prenatal tests (including an amnio) that said no problems however this was not to be the case. According to her that extra chromosome is basically just extra attitude and boy does she have that in spades! Melea displays this attitude and determination in everything she does.

This goes for eating, and school, and dancing, and playing and of course for temper tantrums! Can this girl throw an all out dramatic screaming fit!! She is determined to do things her way.

Yesterday the children were dismissed from school early, so we had extra time to play in the backyard. Melea had such fun and loved it. She hung upside down, crossed the monkey bars, went on the slides, dragged her younger sister Eliza everywhere and up and down the slides. built a huge sand castle and then tried to bury her brother and she was determined to help Eliza climb up the chain ladder even if it killed her (Eliza).

Melea is adventurous, playful and loves to do "physical" stuff as long as it is her idea. After several hours of playing and eating popsicles she then decided to Run up the back hill / boulders / rock outcrop in our back yard ....they are big for a five year old with or without extra chromosomes and make for the "open" free woods. She really didn't make it far- maybe about 500- 600 feet till she decided that no one was following. She stood there and looked for me....

She was checking to see if I had noticed, she waited and waited for me to move to help her. I waited for her to call me or see if she would turn back and come home. It became a battle of wills... who would break first.... 1 minute....five minutes...10 minutes....I loose because Jordan is crying and call up to her to see if she needs help. No answer.... I start to climb up but I hear....."no momi no momi".... " I cum u tay....no momi". This really peeks my interest because Melea doesn't always put that many words together.

So I go get Jordan from the pack in play and come back and proceed to watch Melea slowly descend that beautiful hill. This hill is both beautiful and treacherous...I always seemed to be chasing her when I was pregnant and worried about falling and we have had so many discussions/arguments/time outs because of her ability to wander up it. It has actually been several months since she has even tried this. But I sit there quietly, watching waiting and wondering when she will fall and need me to save her.

Each time she gets to a point where the trail ends or it is too steep or jagged or there is a tree.... she stops and looks and contemplates... what to do... I keep waiting for her to ask for help but no...she pushes on. Slowly this action is drawing the attention of the other children in the yard. Eliza comes over and sits next to me and Jordan and is pointing and honking gleefully at Melea. I here Miranda yelling- it is because she is in the toddler swing and Colin was pushing her. But he has stopped and slowly is moving toward the bottom of the rock outcrop and is pointing at her. Melea responds by exclaiming "no broda, i doooo i dooo".

After a few more minutes and feet go by Adrian joins us to cheer her on and she is telling her how great she has done to get down to the fence and how proud she is of her. I am just holding my breath....realizing it is just the big drop to come and that going up looks so much easier than coming down. A few more steps and another minute pass, Colin starts pacing back and forth at the bottom and pointing worriedly at her.

Melea not sure what to do, she just sits down and just at me....for what seems like forever.... I am not sure what to tell her, I really don't know if she was waiting for me to get her or she has given up, trying to make the moment as dramatic as possible or just to make sure she has as much of my undivided attention as she can get. But when I finally think she has given up....she gets up and slowly moves a large tree branch and finds a new way down the "boulder drop".

In this process she scrapped her leg and got a tiny cut on her shin. But she is not crying and the petrified look that crossed her face a few times is now replaced by such beaming exuberance. She now has proven what only she knew (and I really hoped) ....that she could do it !!! This is just how Melea is and always does everything! Since she entered our lives at age four weeks, it is her way.... she doesn't really do what the book says, or what others do she does it HER WAY (I have thought of rewriting My Way for her).

Melea never really liked being held to much....not even as a baby. She would let me feed her, snuggle and play as long as it was in "her plans". She would let me know when she had enough and she always wanted to get back to her swing (and oh that hasn't changed- Melea still would swing for hours if I could or would push her). Originally she seemed to eat enough just to "survive" for the longest time. Then one day she said- I am going to eat....and that was accomplished- no looking back. We do everything like that

Therapy and early intervention- when and only if she felt like participating and then it was always on her terms- for example I will try to walk in speech therapy, I want to color in Physical therapy (but I won't look at you...no matter what....and if you try to make me do it I will SCREAM). Developmental therapy was a battle of I will do it to make you smile , but it will be the way I want.... you want smallest to largest well Melea gave largest to smallest.

Determination might be thought of as synonymous for obstinate with my daughter! But it is more of a learning style for her. She is determined to do it, she is determined to get it right, she is determined to make sure that everyone knows she is around, and she is determined to be the best at whatever she wants to do! Melea does everything on full volume and with full heart and excitement. Every morning when leaving for school she puts her head down (almost like a football player), grabs her "backpack" and runs out the door to tackle the world.

Melea's attitude, ability to work through and accomplish what she needs to...even if on her terms.... makes me realize all the things she will be able to accomplish in her life, or she will at least find a new way or new path and surprise us all.

I hope that her mom can be as determined about my own life as Melea!

What my children have taught me (part 1) Colin

SHORT STORY- As a parent I was delusional that I would do all the teaching to my children.... but instead I have determined they have taught and will teach me more than I ever could teach them.

LONG STORY-

I am the a very lucky mom! I chose to be a stay at home mom, and I have a wonderful supportive husband who endeavors to make this possible. I get a lot of the fun (though many days I do miss work so I could just have an adult conversation, but the joys of being with my children so out weigh what I feel I miss.

My children have actually taught me more than I ever learned in school (sorry about that Dr. W & all professors and teachers I ever had). Since I needed to introduce my children to you- I thought I would do it this way!

Everyday my children bring me things- some are way cool like paintings or drawings. I get lots of other tangibles too. I love flowers- usually dandelions and thistle grass which always has to be put in vase and marveled at. However sometimes it is the wadded up diaper that got stuffed down the air vent, or my favorite the molded sippy cup that is stinking the car up. But the best gift they have given me is teaching me about life.

Colin-my oldest son at the time of this post- everyday teaches me (and almost everyone he meets) about laughter and humour! He has been a part of our life since the day I was called from the agency and told about him. I have loved him since that time and the thought of him has always made me smile! I have watched him grow and change over the last six plus years and one thing really stands out! HE LOVES TO GIGGLE!!!! It is infectious, it can make you smile, it can make anyone smile, and he genuinely wants to make people happy and he does this by laughing!

This morning, after rushing to get five kids bathed, showered, hair & teeth brushed, two braids done, orthotics and shoes & socks on each child, then rush to make sure everyone has a glass of milk or juice (gosh I get so frustrated when they don;t want to drink it)- got everybody going to school downstairs (baby is sleeping in his crib still - thank heaven) and Miranda into the play room; checked the bags I packed last night (key to having 6 kids is prepare the night before); fought with Melea about what snacks to pack in her backpack- she keeps putting her raisins in Colin's & trying to take a popsicle; one of them trips and starts screaming, which makes someone else scream cause they don't like the noise....one bus is early, the other is late and for some reason I have to carry Melea to the bus this morning- I guess legs don't work after blueberry breakfast bars & milk, and all I really want to do is shove the last two on the bus and go get my coffee....

Colin turns around and signs mommy kiss- he hasn't been doing this on or near the bus lately- we are growing up whether I like it or not. He puts a kiss on my cheek and then raspberries me really loud and pulls away makes a "fart sound" out of his throat and points to me and signs
"stinky" and just giggles, throws his arms around me and body hugs me, steps back, cocks his head to the side and then belly laughs, hugs me one more time and then "prances" gleefully giggling to his seat! He then waves bye out the window and keeps giggling! (I can hear it as the bus leaves)

You know what all the hustle and bustle and tears and frustration are gone, cause I know that he loves me! Colin doesn't care how much money I have or don't have, he doesn't care that I still have 15 lbs to loose after having Jordan, he doesn't care about the fact we were late this morning and rushed, nor that there is now smeared blueberry muck on my dress from clearing Eliza's mouth (side note- I am never buying blueberry breakfast bars again). None of it matters!!!! Not the interest rates, not our 401k ,not the bills for that moment, or building onto our house or any worries that I am thinking about matter right now or all day if I let them.....

His giggle is like my happy thought! If I can keep that sound and the feeling it gives me I can do anything! I love listening to Colin laugh, giggle and watching him smile ..... this laughter and the love or zest for life that it shows allows me to put in perspective the rest of the "my"day and "my" problems.

Seeing his joy at making me smile, hearing that infectious"giggle" and knowing that he and his little joke on me this morning and his wonderful and pure little giggles will brighten so many peoples lives today.

So when I first wanted to be a parent, I thought I would do all the teaching .... but instead I have determined that I still have so much to learn on a daily basis.

This is what I have gained from being Colin's mom! He has taught me the power or laughter, how infectious it is, how we all need to stop and take a look at our lives and whatever is bothering us and just laugh, smile and try to lead our lives so that we help others do this. We will likely never have a bad day and bring joy to others!

Have a wonderful and "giggly" day!