What My Children Have Taught Me (part 4) Eliza

Short Story: Trust is something that has to be mutually earned.

Long Story:

Eliza is a beautiful and energetic little angel with 47 pieces. She came to us in a somewhat similar as all our our adoptions to date. I got an email from our agency (they new we were looking to expand again), but instead of an infant and and agency adoption with them. I could call CPS for information and see if we could put "family" hat in the ring for Eliza.

This was a really scary though for me, but those eyes....they just lead me to call, and call and leave messages and call again. I was told to be persistent ...I was so persistent that I am sure it was actually annoying....but I knew this little princess was supposed to be part of our family. SO I had to keep it up! We were picked, and then the waiting just took longer.

All I can say is this adoption has been our hardest to date. When one thinks about how many children are in foster care, you would think it might be a little easier to adopt them. This was the first time I realized how much "trust" I put in a system- our government to do the right thing for Eliza and for us. Basically our emotional roller coaster started the day we were matched. Everything took longer than anyone anticipated and longer than we all felt it should have.

Eric & I flew to Houston to visit her. She still couldn't come home yet. The minute we met Eliza (almost 3 months after being matched and 5 months after seeing those beautiful and expressive eyes in my morning email) was a wonderful moment. All of our other three adopted children were places as infants between 3-9 weeks of age, We had never adopted an older child.

She immediately feel into Eric's arms and gave him a close snuggle and a squeeze. I was lucky enough to get one look and then back to making over her new daddy. He got what we now term a "butt wiggle". I really can't describe it any other terms other than a cross between a wonderful full body hug/squeeze and a all over giggle and then she buries her head in your chest and kisses you! After about two hours with her and the SW Eric and I went back to the hotel. I was sort of sad...all the paperwork...all the phone calls...all the waiting...she didn't even like me at all.

I realized that all these months I had fallen in love with a little girl that "didn't really exist" She was a picture and not the little girl in front of me. I thought she would love me at 2 1/2 years just like my other children did. BOY WAY I WRONG. Eliza had her own plans and her own mind and her own way of doing things.

Second visit wasn't much better for her and me. Eliza bit me so hard that I cried...I don't even think my horse ever bit me that hard!) But she loved and smiled and twisted my husband around every one of her fingers. She was so immediately bonding with him that I had to "trust" that she was supposed to be with us, I had to "trust" Eric when he said he was confident Eliza was meant for our family and he was sure she liked me...still no but wiggle or even a big hug just a bunch of glances at me which I realize now were her way of sizing me up!

Her foster mom was wonderful, she was awesome with all the children in her care, great with us and I could not have asked for better. That said that after all the visits that weekend It was still so hard for Eric and I to return her foster family and return to our home without her. Eliza really liked her and loved being in her house, but I had tears in my eyes when we left cause again I had to "trust" that Eliza would be OK and safe till she came to be with us forever.

It wasn't supposed to be to long....but you know how best laid plans go. Twenty days turned into another sixty seven! To get Eliza home I had to "trust" so many people to do there jobs and push that paperwork along that I actually thought I was going to get an ulcer waiting.

You would think that a mother of four children with down syndrome could be patient....but NO I really am not a patient person! I wanted her home before the had even turned two. I just kept wanting her to be with us! I had to wait and I had to "trust" people to do their jobs.

It did finally happen, all the paperwork was processed and plane tickets were purchased, I cleaned our house, scrubbed the carpets and decorated her room. The day came that she was supposed to arrive, almost 7 1/2 months after deciding we should send in our file, and Eliza and her SW get to the airport in Texas and someone got her ticket for the wrong way (not from Texas to Missouri but the opposite direction!). Here it was again...we had to "trust" that someone on the other end of phone in airport could fix this problem on a long holiday weekend. (they did ....or I would have driven to Houston to get her myself)

Eliza was here. All of her paperwork, her beautiful little suitcase, new clothes and a few special things...but she was here with her family! She seemed to instantly bond with her new siblings... it was like she always was supposed to be with them. I had to "trust" that we received all the right paperwork, that all the legal work really was done correctly, that her medical files would one day show up, that they had given me all the information we needed. It seems funny to say this but the State of Texas had to "trust"me and my husband enough to raise this beautiful little girl (by the way taxpayers of Texas- thanks for the most precious gift of Eliza!!!!!)

For almost six weeks she smiled and touched and played and "honked" at them...but she still didn't really seem to like me...she was always looking mad at me, or perplexed or frustrated. I did't get the hugs that the rest got and I still hadn't gotten a butt wiggle! I started all of her EI paperwork, took her to the doctors, answered questions at evaluations. And I waited...everyday she just tolerated me...she seemed to love my husband...but tolerated me. What did I need to do to gain her "trust".

It seemed to dawn on Eliza and I at the same moment...in Late January she had her tonsils & adenoids removed and had to stay overnight at the hospital. (Miranda was also at the hospital overnight at the same time). That 28 hour period was the first time that Eliza wanted me....not her dad...or grandma....ME! As I look back I realize what I did wrong. Nothing!!! accept not realizing we both had to learn to trust each other.

I made her change everything in such a short time period. Where she lived (it was cold here in MO and new allergies, and new environment); I took away her "foster family"; I took away her bottle and made her drink from a sippy cup; I made her eat solid foods and feed herself with a fork or spoon; I made her try to sign (by the way we still fight this battle); I made her brush her teeth & take a bath (found out she had a sensory thing with water after they placed her). I held her head as she got her eyes dilated and later her ear wax cleaned out and I made her play outside!

I wanted her to love and "trust" me and I was the "Evil Mom" in her book who changed and made everything different from before. Why would she have thought that I was any different from all the places she had been before? Heck she isn't even that old and is developmentally disabled, but she knew how to play the "foster game" how to make people think you care about them and get them to do what you want! I don't think she really "trusted" anyone at that point.

In the hospital in pain and Mommy there to help and hold her, I think she realized for the first time I wasn't leaving her. I feed her and hugged her and rocked her. We played and I changed diaper after diaper (anesthia gives her diarrhea something awful). Our relationship changed. She finally let me cuddle her and she hugged me. We fell asleep for the first time together in the hospital chair.

But from the instant we got stuck when that hospital chair split and I couldn't get up and we were stuck! Maybe when she saw the panic in my eyes and my need to pee (being 8 1/2 months pregnant and trapped in this &*^% (fill in the explative) pull out chair for what seemed like forever and really looking at each other eyes...panic can really open them up and Eliza has the most expressive and wonderful deep chocolate brown eyes!

We realized that we needed to "trust" each other!!!!

I guess "trust"ing Eric, Grandma, and all the children was easy! They were not making her do things she didn't want to, she didn't really need to make them "happy" to get her needs met so whatever she could give them was enough! I was a challenge and she seemed to resent everything I tried to make her do.

It actually was so funny...before that day she could have cared less if I was in a room with her and since then I am now her favorite person to see, to full body hug and jump on. When she smiles at me now it is with her whole body! She "trusts" me now like none of my other children do. Because I had to earn it in different way for a different reason .