I hate it when I get blind-sided!

Yesterday was one of those "wonderful" (everyone get the sarcasm there) days every parent with a child in special education really hates! Getting evaluation results / IEP day.

You would think after so many I attended as a teacher and the fact that I have more than 30 under my belt with all my other children. I would be old school at this. It would be no big deal!!!!!!! BUT DAMM IT IS A BIG DEAL!!!

Miranda is turning three in less than three weeks, she gets to leave my nice warm safe home.... me and Jordan and her safe playroom and all the mother coddling behind and venture off to ECSE pre-school on February 4th!

I have always thought of these as bitter sweet days, my little one is growing up. They don't need me... and all that dribble everyone has.... but most of kids bring on new fears to.... will they fall out of the car seat.... what if they get on the wrong bus.... what if the fall down.

Most of the time moving out of the at home services to in school and all my "special" children other issues that Adrian didn't have to face....just scare the expletive out of me. I have done this three times so far, Miranda will be the fourth plodding off to the bus....OK more likely being carried and placed on it! You would think this would be old school.... I would not have anything unexpected pop up.... BUT BOY WAS I WRONG!

I have been assuming that the desired school setting they would want to put her into would be the same ECSE room that all the other three have gone to. It is a great set up max of 12 children 6 with IEP's and up to 6 models (typical students). Adrian has gone to the same place as her brothers and sisters as a "model" for almost two years and she loves it (course there are days I feel she needs and IEP for her "grumpy" behavior

So I got ready for the conference Friday morning....got Colin & Melea on the bus as usual. Since it was Friday the rest could sleep late cause preschool in M-H. I exercised for about 45 minutes 3 miles + a little, showered and then got the rest of the kids up, bathed and fed. Grandma then came to take care of those not going to the EVAL/IEP conference, and Daddy and Miranda and I set out for our big "fun" .

Actually we have a fun family ritual after this initial eval/ IEP.... whose ever it is gets to pick there favorite restaurant, and go to lunch with daddy and me BY THEMSELVES!!!!!!! Then we go buy school supplies (backpack and a few fun things) and a new outfit for the first day! And since this always corresponds to close to there birthday we are celebrating a lot of things.

So as you can guess I am actually more excited about that part of the afternoon. The meeting should just be easy!!!!!!!! Been there ....done that..... NO PROBLEM was my idea.

Well we get there and it really is like normal, we are early, our RC coordinator get there just after I pull into lot, our PT is late , same room and all that, and of course I get to be read too (pet peave one from IEP's as a parent)

............ to no surprise......... she qualified for ECSE. but here is crux of the situation, the school diagnostic team is advocating for a different type of placement /setting !!!!!!!!

MOM NOT EXPECTING THIS!!!!!!!!!!

ACTUALLY completely caught off guard......and basically not pleased!

... the school diagnostic team think the regular ECSE setting where Colin, Melea have gone and Eliza is at currently is not an appropriate placement for her. I really hit the floor when they said this!

They want her in a "intense therapy classroom" with only four children now and no typical children at all. What the school children refer to these children is worse than the R-word!

I actually for the first time and 30+ IEP under my belt I was just so surprised and hurt and wonder why they don't see how well she has been doing! (We are not even attempting to fathom how I can be in three places at ones....the proposed school is on the other side of town....not where Adrian & Eliza or Colin & Melea are at.)

I felt like immediately demanding the other placements like Colin, Melea and Eliza have/had. But then I remembered that on Thursday evening before I was looking at pictures of Colin plodding off to school with his book bag, he could walk and sign and could carry it. I remember that Melea said a few words.... walked, run climbed carried her own pack and pretty much told me to leaver her alone the minute that bus showed up. Eliza was so ready to go to school and so excited to be a "big girl" like the others .... her smile was ear to ear, and in the first few weeks of school I swear Eliza grew 2 1/2 inches,

Then reality of who she is really fall on my head! (OK...Miranda just bashes me while wildly waving her arms for more Cheerios! and brings me back to "their" reality) I realize Miranda says only NO and signs all done and more! She smiles pretty. Loves to be tickled and to cuddled but she could never even drag her bag more than 4 feet behind her in a bear walk and probably could have a stroke at any minute.

And I remember thinking at Eliza & Adrian's Christmas party.... all these kids look do huge compared to Miranda.... what are they going to do with her. And of course I remember she still likes to eat mulch!

I am just praying the"growth fairy" would make her bigger this morning or at least before the 4th of Feb (first day for her to go to school) so she can go with her sisters,

SO....I didn't SCREAM NO....like I wanted. Eric & I told them I would visit the classroom TUESDAY and maybe take Miranda Wed and then make a decision.

I have so many concerns and since it really doesn't "give" or provide or change her therapy minutes I find the name so misleading anyways.

I have made a list of pros and cons!

PRO

• one on one time all the time maybe it wouldn't be bad cause we could do it for rest of school year and then move into other later (anyone think that is as easy as it sounds....)

CON

• 35 minutes from house (not same school)



• another short bus for morning driveway mess up



• I am afraid Miranda will take vast quantities of germs to these kids ( from my four that go somewhere different!)



• Adrian & Melea really upset

IN GENERAL other issues to think about:

I guess i just feel they are already writing her off! And she isn't even three!

Miranda would make 9 children in the regular ECSE room (3 would be mine) .

Her not walking sucks for both places....cause people have to carry her up and down steps!

Adrian was really looking forward to being there with Miranda too! She has been marking the days off the calendar since we took her into be evaluated!

both schools start & stop at same time and really hard to be in two places at once since not even on same side of town (different than our Elementary to Middle to high.... they are all within 2 mile of each other) including parties and activities!

And worst of all I just feel (like so many parents do.... that my kids are part of how we define ourselves) and having a child with intellectual disabilities makes it even harder to separate this from yourself.

Personally I feel that she needs this but she needs those models too! I also feel like I failed her so bad and that if they put her there she will never get anywhere.

But I do realize she is nowhere near where they other children were when they started ( she is a year behind everyone due to heart issues)

.... I want to swear she is in there and coming.... just slowly.... but is she? Am I just reading and seining something that isn't really there! Can you be too optimistic. I laugh when all people tell me "how cool" of a mom I am cause I know where my kids are and accept it?

But if I put her there is that accepting the Miranda I see doesn't exist.... or if I send her with the other two am I just delusional and expecting to much and setting her up for failure?

I just feel so helpless and like whatever I decide will be wrong! And detrimentally effect her forever!

I really cried all through her special lunch ....actually managed to drink 2 chocolate coffees, eat a ton of ice cream and chocolate, and then stop on way home for a chocolate frappacino! We never made it shopping!

I am so mad! I just really am not sure who I am mad at. Me, Eric, the diagnostics team, the whole system of "labeling and such....even as we all pretend it doesn't matter....IT DOES!

And I guess that I will take Miranda out for another special lunch another day because that one JUST PLAIN SUCKED!! It has always been fun and a "grow up " tradition thing.... and I feel we all got cheated out of that too! Because of the fact I was blindsided.

So I will go Tuesday and try to be positive and decide if I really can see Miranda in the room they want for her.... I hope they all know how hard it is for me to see her anywhere but with her sisters and brothers and smiling, having fun and being loved by one and all!

And I will take any suggestions for being in four places at one time..... putting kids on bus at our house, taking Adrian to KGN at different school & putiing Eliza on her bus to go to preschool and Miranda on hers. With Little Jordan just loving riding in his car seat!

Sorry for the pity party! I somehow always become so productive after one of these moments....so I am off to wait for that to happen!